Boys Don't Cry
by LaraWinner
Summary: Duo&Hilde songfic **rated for language**
1. Default Chapter Title

DISCLAIMER:I don't own gundam wing or any of its characters.I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*

# Boys Don't Cry

**BY:**Lara_Winner

**SONG BY:**Oleander

_I would say I'm sorry_

_If I thought that it would change your mind_

Duo stood silently watching Hilde place the last of her clothes in the worn suitcase. She didn't look up or even acknowledge his presence. The adrenaline rush that had filled him was starting to fade and a cold numbness was taking its place. The tense silence that filled the room was deafening to his ears. He jumped at the loud clicks as she snapped the suitcase shut.

He continued to lean against the doorframe as she pulled the luggage from the bed. Refusing to move, he held his breath as she came closer. He knew he was being a dick but he wasn't going to make this easy. 

"Move." Hilde whispered, stopping a foot away from him.

"Why? Why are you doing this?" He asked cringing at the way his voice cracked. 

The simple question hung in the air between them as he waited for her answer. An answer he already knew but refused to admit. He wanted to hear her reasons. He wanted to look her in the eye and know this was what she really wanted. 

"If you have to ask then you're stupider than I thought." She hissed.

"Stop with the name calling and answer me!" He snapped. At his words she raised her head, the chilling look in her eyes stabbed him right in the heart. 

"I want this over! I'm sick and tired of letting you walk all over me. I've given you all I can give and I refuse to do this any more. I've tried to be everything you needed but I can't because you don't need me, Duo. This is just a game to you. Well, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night because I don't know where the hell you are. I'm tired of you're damn mood swings and having to watch what I say and do because God forbid I say what you don't want to hear or do something you consider annoying. This whole relationship is just a big fucking joke!" she snarled, her voice cold as ice.

With each word he could feel her become more and more detached. Taking in what she said he stared at her helplessly. He could sense her slipping away and becoming a stranger right before his eyes. It was as if she had erected a wall between them and he couldn't reach through.

"So you're just going to say to hell with us and walk away, brilliant idea." He whispered hoarsely. 

"No, you said to hell with me a long time ago." She said calmly, too calmly.

"I know I've made mistakes and I'm sorry." He said the words knowing he had wasted his breath. 

_But I know this time I have said too much_

_Been too unkind_

An 'I'm sorry' wasn't going to solve this. He had known that the moment he walked in the house to find her packing her things. She hadn't said a word, no shouting, no accusing, nothing. This coldness that had settled within her terrified him. Yet he put it there and even if he wouldn't admit it out loud he knew it in his heart. 

"Oh yeah? Well my mistake was staying this long. It's over Duo, and there isn't a damn thing you can say." She said firmly.

"Don't do this Hilde, please." He whispered painfully.

"I'm sorry but it's over."

She said the words quietly but the finality in them was unmistakable. He lowered his eyes not wanting her too see the agony her words caused. Unable to breathe he stepped aside and let her pass. She didn't say anything else as she walked to the living room and grabbed her purse. She set the suitcase down and pulled out her keys. He barely heard the clink of metal as she placed the house key on the coffee table. Then grabbing her suitcase she walked to the door pausing only to glance back at him once more before uttering the two words that would kill him.

"Goodbye, Duo."

Then without a second glance she was gone.

## 

## I would break down at your feet

_And beg forgiveness plead with you_

The sound of the door slamming echoed in his ears. All at once the numbness that filled him disappeared and pain, burning suffocating pain, crushed his chest as he tried to draw in a deep breath.Nothing in his life had ever hurt this bad. In his mind her words chanted in taunting whispers…._It's over Duo….goodbye…._

He had never seen that look in her eyes before. Her beautiful blue eyes had always been filled with love. Always so kind and caring and alive, either sparkling with mischief or glowing with passion. But tonight they had been filled with ice, dead and cold, the sparkle gone and replaced by barely concealed rage. His heart twisted viscously knowing he put that rage there.

He closed his eyes as he collapsed against the wall and slid to the floor. She wanted out. There was nothing he could do. No words he could say that would change her mind. No amount of pleading or begging would bring her back. He had just lost the only thing that was worth any value in his life. 

_But I know that it's no use _

### Now there is nothing I can do

He had seen the determination in her eyes. He had seen the lack of emotion and in its place the bitter accusation she threw at him. He laughed to himself harshly. She must have had this planned. She was too calm and composed, too focused and assured of her decision. Not a bit of hesitation while ripping his heart to shreds. 

No, there was nothing he could have said that would have changed her mind. It was more than obvious that she didn't love him anymore. God, if only it were that easy. If only he could turn off his emotions and push this away and go on like it didn't happen, like his whole world hadn't just crumbled to dust. Why? Why couldn't he just push her out of his mind? Why couldn't he stop seeing the hateful rage burning in her eyes? 

_Because you lost everything important when she walked out the door_. He listened to the words as they repeated themselves in his head. Did she feel anything? Or was she happy to finally be away from him? She didn't understand and she never tried!There was a reason he hung out at the bar three or four times a week. It wasn't to drink and it wasn't to avoid her. He needed that time alone. He needed that time to be just another face in the crowd and not have to deal with his constant laughing mask. If he had stayed here she would have done nothing but worry and in turn make him nervous. But did she know that? No. Did she even ask to find out? No. Was he going to kiss her ass? Maybe he should have.

No! He wasn't going to let her decision completely destroy him. He laughed bitterly. Yeah right, it was already killing him. Sighing in defeat he hung his head despairingly.

## I try to laugh about it

## Cover it all up with lies

Duo grinned as he propped himself on the wooden stool facing the bar. The familiar and hazy atmosphere did nothing to relieve the tension vibrating through his body. He kept the silly smile plastered to his face as Nick gave him his usual. His gaze dropped down to the amber liquid sloshed over the rim of the shot glass. A few of these and he wouldn't even remember her name. His smile turned spiteful as he swallowed the burning liquid. He grimaced at the pain as he raised his hand and hailed another.

He watched as Nick started to pour another shot of the home brew stuff and grabbed his wrist before he could pull away. The bottle was a little more than half full and Duo wasn't in the mood to take things slow. A shot at a time was going to drive him nuts.

"How much for the bottle?" he asked.

The red haired bartender laughed as he gave Duo a measuring look. The look turned to concern and Duo winced. He really didn't want a lecture right now and he really, really didn't want to talk about his strange mood the last few weeks. Three weeks, four days, twelve hours, and thirty-six minutes to be exact. 

"Man, do you have any clue what drinking this much of this stuff will do to you?" Nick asked.

"Nope and don't care. I wanna get piss ass drunk. I want to have the worst hangover tomorrow so I won't be able to think. I want to get good fucked up, got it?" Duo laughed.

"Mind telling me why, Duo?" 

"Let's just say it's this or go crazy. Which would you rather?" Duo questioned, his teasing smile not reaching his eyes. 

"Twenty credits. But I'm callin' you cab like it or not." Nick said as he handed the bottle to Duo in exchange for the blue credit chip.

"Whatever, man" Duo said as he got up from the bar and made his way to a dark booth in the corner. Taking another swig of the extra strong burning whiskey he smiled more than ready to drown out the intense pain permanently lodged in his chest. 

## I try to laugh about it

_Hiding the tears in my eyes_

Duo stared at Quatre's face glad he was on the vid-phone and hours away on L4. The concern and disappointment in the soft aqua eyes made him grit his teeth. He knew he looked like shit and he felt like shit too. And no matter how bad the loneliness got he would never ever do again what he did the night before. If he thought the crap burned going down…..

"Duo, I want you to come stay with me for couple of days, okay." The blond boy demanded softly. Even though the words were spoken low Duo squeezed his eyes shut as throbbing, clawing pain ripped through his head.

"I'm fine right here." He muttered. 

"Duo, you're not fine and you know it. Look at you, I'm sorry but you're coming whether you want to or not." Quatre huffed. 

Duo looked at the screen and smirked. So little Quatre had a backbone after all. Well he still wasn't a match for Shinigami. He opened his mouth to speak but the pain burst inside his head again. Looking up through one cracked open eye, Duo cast a curious glare at Quatre.

"Have you ever gotten drunk?" he asked.

"No Duo." Quatre sighed.

"Smart boy!" he laughed then moaned and clutching his head again.

"You don't have to pretend. I know Hilde left. I'm not going to sit around and let you do this to yourself because of it." The boy stated sadly.

Despite the pain Duo's head snapped up at his words. That was the first time he heard her name spoken since she left. He had even refused to say it out loud in an attempt to eradicate her existence from his mind. But hearing the name, all at once the pain that had been curiously numb all morning came rushing back in one big agonizing wave. He lowered his head hoping Quatre didn't see the effect of his words. Feeling the desperate need to be in control and terrified of letting his real feelings show he forced his lips to curve into a smile. Letting the glimmer of insane amusement enter his eyes Duo looked at Quatre and laughed manically.

"Funny you should mention the Bitch. You know, I'm glad she left. Do you have any idea what its like to live with constant nagging? Nothing you ever do is good enough. Its sucks! Trust me Quatre, for the love of God or Allah or whatever, stay single as long as possible."

He watched Quatre eyes widen and he struggled to keep his expression normal. Inside he was seething. Why did that jerk have to mention HER? The first fucking time he'd gotten any peace and the prick just had to say it. Well fuck them all! He was staying right here in his little house and nobody was going to make him leave. Not even little blond fag boy.

"Duo, you shouldn't talk about Hilde that way." Quatre said.

There he went again. _Calm Duo, calm down_. The mental warning did nothing to sooth the red rage that was slowly staring to consume him. How dare he take up for her! She was the one who left. She was the one who wasn't satisfied till she completely destroyed him. She knew what she was doing and she did it anyway. So why did he have to mince words? Because she won Quatre over with her sob story? Ha! Like hell! No fucking way!

"There are two sides to every story Quatre. Before you buy every word she whines just remember that I never tried to hurt her. She left me high and dry without a second thought. She was the one who didn't give a damn. So I'm sorry if I lack sympathy now but it's a little hard to respect her choice and feel sorry for her." He said surprised at how calm he sounded despite the anger raging inside.

"I'm sorry Duo. I didn't mean to sound like you're wrong. Look, this isn't easy for her either. I know I talked to her. If you love her Duo then maybe you'll see things from her perspective too." Quatre whispered.

"Love! You don't know a damn thing about love. She doesn't love me anymore and I could care less. I don't know what she told you and I don't want to know. Just leave me the fuck alone!" Duo hissed as he abruptly ended the connection.

## Cuz boys don't cry

## Boys don't cry

He continued to stare at the blank vid-screen as he tried in vain to keep his cool. Almost instantly the screen beeped but before video link could be established he reached down beside the bed and ripped the plug out the wall. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to do anything. Lying on the bed he pulled a pillow over his head blocking out all light. Almost instantly he was assailed with the apple sent of her shampoo. His stomach flipped and his breath caught in his chest. God, he missed her. 

He could feel the sudden burning in the back of his throat. He could feel the pressure of tears forming behind his eyes. He wanted to cry so badly but he knew it was impossible. This was as close as the tears would come. He hadn't cried in years and now he had lost the ability. But she was worth tears. She was worth blood and pain. No matter how angry he wanted to get he couldn't hate her. He wanted to but he just couldn't. He still loved her.

## I would tell you that I love you

## If I thought that you would stay

Gripping the pillow in his clenched hands he wondered if she felt anything for him. _Probably not_. As the thought crossed his mind he laughed. _Yeah asshole, she left you because she still loved you_. Shaking his head forced himself to breathe in the familiar sent. Apples, she always used that shampoo. 

Closing his eyes he let the faint fragrance take over his senses. In his mind he could picture her clearly, her midnight hair and her porcelain skin. If he concentrated hard enough he could almost feel her soft skin against his fingertips. His lips tingled as he imagined what it had been like to kiss her. The feel of her still surrounded him not letting him go. At night in the dark he could swear he felt her warmth beside him. The sound of her voice still rang in his mind. He could clearly hear her say 'I love you' back when she had meant it. 

Running his hand over the empty space beside him he took in the feel of the cool sheets. No body heat to warm them, no soft impression of her petite frame and no feel of her skin beneath his hand. How much longer could he pretend that it didn't matter? How much longer till the loneliness and longing that filled him consumed everything, even his mind?

## But I know that its too late

## Cuz you've already gone away

## 

## 

## 

## He had no answer. The only thing that he knew for sure was that she was gone. She wasn't going to come back and she wasn't going to forgive him. She had made her choice and his only options now were to either live with it or go crazy and do something stupid. He could feel his grip on things slip a little more everyday. That was beginning to scare him. She would lose all respect for him if he let her win that easily, not that she had much respect left if any.

_Damn it! That's what she wants. She wants me to cry and beg and plead and make a fool of myself just so she can throw it back in my face! _

He couldn't let that happen. He had to be strong, the God of Death could never let a woman defeat him. No, he wouldn't beg or play her little game. Let her win over all his friends, he didn't need them either. He had himself and he was alone but that's all he needed. _Shinigami walks alone. _That thought had kept him focused for so long and now it was time he became focused again. Maybe she had done him a favor by destroying his heart. At least he would never love again.

_Misjudged your limits_

### Pushed you too far

But it was all his fault no matter how he looked at it. He really couldn't expect her to put up with his bullshit forever could he? But if she loved him, really loved him like she swore then she would have tried, right? Maybe she did try. Maybe he was just too caught up in his own demons to realize she was wearing thin. If only she would realize he wasn't trying to hurt her.

But every relationship he'd ever been in had ended on the same note. He never wanted to hurt those he loved but for some reason he always did. One way or the other he hurt them and usually with the cost of their lives. Hilde was alive and kicking so that was some comfort to his broken soul but not nearly enough. Nothing would be sufficient till he could hold her in his arms again. And that wasn't likely to happen. 

_I took you for granted_

### I thought you needed me more

She didn't want him anymore. It was that simple. No amount of love and apologies would bring her back because she had found something else that could take his place. Whether it's inner strength or another guy or whatever it was she didn't need him. She had waked out the door eager to get away. 

Unable to stop his thoughts from the path they took he suddenly felt sick as his mind showed his teasing images of Hilde in someone else's arms. Kissing, touching, turning her glowing blue eyes on someone else. Taking a deep breath he fought the nausea that rolled in his stomach. 

He couldn't think about that, it would definitely drive him over the edge. Besides, it was none of his business if she was seeing someone new. She wasn't his girl anymore. He had no claim or hold on her. She was no longer a part of his pathetic life. And it really was a pity that he hadn't realized just how much he needed her till she left. Of course, how was he supposed to know that she was his life and that without her he would be nothing? But then he'd never thought she'd actually get the balls to leave. He'd just assumed she'd be there. He assumed that she needed him as much as he needed her. He never once questioned if he was mistaken. Now that one underestimation of her character left him out in the cold.

_I would do almost anything_

### To get you back by my side

Sitting in his usual spot at the bar Duo stared vacantly into his coke. Nick had laughed at the request of a non-alcoholic drink. Three weeks and Duo's stomach was still weak from that last experience and he really didn't need another hangover. 

As usual he blocked out the atmosphere and the noise. There was nothing for him here just as there was nothing at 'home'. But the place wasn't even a home anymore. He slept there, well what little rest he could call sleep, but that was it. For the most part he tried to keep himself occupied and out of the house as much as possible. There were just too many things that brought up HER. Like pictures he couldn't bare to take down even though it had been nearly two months since she left. 

Two months and he hadn't heard a damn thing from her. Not that he expected to but he didn't get how she could just up and leave and then forget all about him. That was something that hurt. To know that she wasn't wondering about how he was, that she didn't think about him constantly, that she could probably sleep at night despite the fact that she ruined his life. He really hated to give her that much credit but it was true.

Closing his eyes he rested his head on his arm. God, he would do anything just to see her again. Regardless of everything the need to see her was there lurking behind every thought. It was something that was imbedded within him. He didn't understand why he loved her and he guessed he never would. It was just something abut her that had caught him and it was as addictive as a drug. He wasn't complete unless she was there. He wasn't happy unless she was there. Well, now she wasn't there and he was screwed. 

_But I'll just keep on laughing_

### Hiding the tears in my eyes

The sound of laughter filled his ears and he lifted his head. Three seats down a young couple about his age were getting frisky while trying to share one barstool. He smiled slightly at the obvious affection between the two. Unable to tear his gaze away his chest tightened painfully. He knew it was silly to be jealous of the couple's happiness but logic wasn't working. It seemed everywhere he looked he found happy people. Couples holding hands, kissing, laughing, talking, the simple things he took for granted until he lost the only person he wanted to share those things with. Now with jealousy and misery as his constant companions he was starting to get fed up. 

Sighing tiredly he turned his gaze back to the dark liquid in the glass before him. He had to move on, it was that simple. He couldn't spend night after night sitting in this bar drowning his sorrows and he couldn't spend the rest of his life dwelling on his sorrows. He fucked up. She walked out. End of story.

Was this routine what he really wanted? It hurt, it hurt bad to admit that there was no hope but he had to be fair to himself. No he didn't want to spend the rest of his life living with this pain. He would never forget Hilde, that would be impossible. But he had to stop thinking about her. He had to stop waiting for her phone call that's not going to come. He had to stop listing for the sound of her voice everywhere he went. He had to stop looking at everyone else and hating them because they were living.

## Cuz boys don't cry

## Boys don't cry

He pressed his fingers to his eyes as he felt the tears that wanted to come. It was a lot easier said than done but none-the-less it could be done. He could live again. One day he would look back and not feel anything, but not tonight. Tonight was the last time he would give himself the luxury of letting his soul shed the tears his eyes couldn't.

## 

A.N.- This fic is what happens when my little angst muse decides to control my creativity. Sorry, I know it's sad and depressing and its killing me that this ends so…..miserable. I'm addicted to angst, what can I say. Too all my readers, thanks a bunch and I hope you enjoy the story. (if you're crying I'm so so sorry) I promise my next one will be happy, I hope!J Thanks again, love ya guys!!!!!! 


	2. Default Chapter Title

DISCLAIMER:I don't own gundam wing or any of its characters.I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*

# Need To Be Next To You

**BY:**Lara_Winner

**SONG BY:**Leigh Nash

_I've run from these feelings for so long_

## Telling my heart I didn't mean it

_ _

_ _

_ _

__Hilde raised her eyes to the overcast sky. The drab gray setting and cold breeze matched her mood perfectly. Shivering she huddled deeper into the warm comfort of her thick sweatshirt. However, the warm material did nothing to melt the ice that had settled with in her. Pulling her knees to her chest she huddled on the park bench oblivious to the winter charm of her surroundings.

Closing her eyes she focused on the freezing gust of wind nipping at her skin. She would rather suffer the cold than return to the one room closet she now called home. An intense rush of longing filled her as her mind brought up the image of the little house she left behind. That was her home, that's where her heart was.Frowning slightly she reluctantly let another image fill her mind. Shaggy brown bangs falling over laughing violet eyes and a sexy grin. 

She gasped at the sharp pain that suddenly stabbed her heart. She couldn't think about Duo, not now. She tried forcing his handsome face from her mind but it was too late. The throbbing pain in her chest refused to go away. Dragging in a deep breath she her hands clenched into fists of frustration. This wasn't supposed to hurt. She had made the only decision she could and she was supposed to feel better. Then why the hell was she wishing she were back home? Why couldn't she forget him for just one moment? 

Six weeks and it only hurt worse everyday. No matter how many times she told herself she did the right thing it didn't help.She tried to avoid thinking about it but that didn't work either. The pain was always there just under the surface waiting to consumer her. She couldn't take much more. It was becoming a chore just to open her eyes every morning. The more she tried to hold strong in her resolve the more she missed him. Damn her foolish heart!

_Pretending I was better off alone_

## But I know that it's just a lie

_ _

_ _

__

__She had thought leaving would be the hard part but she was wrong. She had no trouble telling him off and walking out the door. It was as if a part of her had stood watching the scene unfold from a distance. The words she spoke were filled with contempt and uncontrollable rage. She had been so angry at that moment. She had been so hurt she didn't even bother to analyze her actions as she gave into the need to hurt him in return.

But revenge is a double-edged sword. She would never forget the expression in his eyes as she looked at him that last time. The mixture of stunned agony reflected in his eyes would forever be burned in her soul. Running from the effect of her actions she set out to forget him. 

If she had thought about it, if she had taken a moment think about what it would be like alone she would never have left. But she didn't think and now her only companion was the ever-present loneliness suffocating her. And to make it worse she couldn't stop thinking about him because the little things about him that she took for granted before now she missed like hell. She never thought she would see the day when she'd be glad to have his clothes thrown all about their bedroom and his dirty towels in heaps on the bathroom floor. She never thought she'd miss his off-key singing while in the shower or the way he could spend hours just fiddling with his hair. God, she even missed his snoring. 

_So afraid of taking a chance again_

## So afraid of what I feel inside

But she severely messed up any chance at redemption when she walked out the door.Quatre had been reluctant to tell her exactly what Duo had said but she forced it out of him. Duo was angry and he was hurt and at the moment he didn't like her very much. Well, she had expected that but it still hurt. She never meant to hurt him but it wasn't entirely her fault either. He'd been pushing her away for months. He shut her out and expected her to mind her own business. But she couldn't ignore that something was wrong. 

For a while she had wondered if he was seeing someone else. The more she thought about it she started to get scared. One night she tried to confront him about it and all hell broke loose. He accused her of not trusting him and she threw it right back in his face saying if he trusted her then he'd let her help him. One word led to another and before she knew it he'd stormed out of the house and she didn't see him till the next afternoon.

After that she tried to ignore it but it was hard not to miss him beside her when she went to sleep at night. Then he started staying out more and more. The little time she did have with him and the nights he would stay home he acted fine. To look at the way her treated her no one would guess there was a problem. But there obviously was because he'd stay home one night and then stay out for the next two or three. She got tired of that awfully quick.

But maybe she shouldn't have left. Ending their relationship was something she never wanted to do. But her anger had done the talking and now she could never find enough words to say she was sorry_. Its not like he wants you too_, her mind taunted.

But even if he would forgive her she couldn't go back to that. She needed someone who loved her as much as she loved them and Duo just couldn't do that. His heart was still burdened by demons she could never imagine. He just wasn't capable of loving her completely and she didn't blame him for that. He tried, he really had tried, but it was her fault she couldn't be satisfied.

### But I need to be next to you

_I need to share every breath with you_

_I need to know I can see you smile each morning_

_Look into your eyes at night_

### For the rest of my life

A bitter smile crossed her lips at the thought. That was an outright lie and she knew it. She'd go back in a heartbeat. He could rip her heart to shreds and she'd still come crawling back for more. She didn't need him to love her in return, she just needed to be able to love him. Why did she have to be so pathetic? 

### 

### Here with you, near with you

_Oh I,_

_I need to be next to you_

Unable to stop them she felt the hot scalding tears start to fall from her eyes. Logically she knew she had her freedom now. She could go anywhere and do anything she chose but nothing mattered, nothing had any appeal.She needed Duo, there was no other choice her heart would let her make. He was a part of her and without him she was empty. She hated to admit it, even to herself, but she was lost without him.

### Right here with you is right where I belong

### I'd loose my mind if I could see you

She would give anything just to see him again. Her memories were just not comforting enough. Her memories couldn't hold her and they couldn't kiss her and they couldn't touch her and they couldn't fill the void in her soul. She needed his presence, the comforting warmth of his body and the sound of his voice more than the very air she was breathing.

Resting her head on her knees she began to sob quietly. Releasing the pent up tears seemed to lighten the burden of her heart, if only for the moment. She was going crazy. One moment she would be fine, able to smile and laugh and then the next moment she would break down in tears completely miserable. She couldn't go on like this. _You know you can't go back._

What would it take to get some semblance of her soul again? She had taken the steps and left and now she had to get on with her life. She needed to fine something that would take her mind of the pain, something that would give her meaning. At the thought nothing came of mind but a pair of brilliantly shining violet eyes.No! This had to stop. She couldn't even close her eyes without seeing his face. He was everywhere, invading her thoughts, her dreams and even weakening her resolve.

How could she go back? How could she beg him to take her back? He didn't deserve her pleading damn it!He didn't deserve to know just how much she missed him or just how miserable and unbearable her life had become. He wouldn't appreciate her tears. How could he? He didn't love her anymore.

At the startling truth she cried all the harder. Quatre hadn't said those words exactly but she knew the truth. Maybe Duo had been secretly hoping she would leave all along. But then why did he seem so crushed when she left? Maybe because he realized he'd miss her cooking and her laundry abilities.

She laughed bitterly. No, he had loved her but what about now? She wasn't so sure and she didn't have the guts to find out. She had to move on, there wasn't a choice anymore.

### Without you there is nothing in this life

### That would make life worth living for

Move on to what? A lonely life with nothing but regrets wasn't her idea of living. And just the thought of loving someone else made her flinch away in disgust. She could never love anyone the way she loved him. There was just something about him that had captured her heart the first time she met him. The way he smiled at her could make her weak in the knees and when he kissed her she swore she could feel it through her whole body. Just to look in his eyes put her soul at ease. Duo had the word in his eyes, his emotions always ranging from one extreme to the other. But they had always held love when they looked into hers. 

Now there was nothing to put her at ease. There was nothing to fill her heart with joy and take the stress of everyday living away. Hell, she wasn't even living. The depression that had taken hold of her would not let go. She couldn't even remember that last time she smiled a real smile because now there was nothing to smile about. There was nothing. That one word summed up everything. 

### 

### I can't bear the thought of you not there

### I can't fight what I feel anymore

Lifting her head she opened her bleary red-rimmed eyes. She really couldn't do this anymore. The tears weren't going to solve anything and the loneliness wasn't going go away.She just couldn't fight it anymore. She still loved him and she always would and the only thing left to admit was that she wanted to go home. The need to feel him and hold him was too overwhelming. 

Forcing herself up from the bench she wiped the tears from her eyes. She had to go see him now before she lost the nerve. She was only blocks from the house and not letting herself think of the rejection she could face she started off in the direction of her home.

__

_'Cause I need to be next to you_

_I need to share every breath with you_

_I need to know I can see you smiling every morning_

_Look into your eyes at night_

### For the rest of my life

Hesitantly she walked up to the door. Taking a deep breath she raised her hand to knock and paused. Her thoughts whirled around her head in confusing circles. What if he slammed the door in her face? What if he got angry? What if he told her to leave? She couldn't do this. Shaking her head violently she steeled her spine. She'd come this far, there was no way in hell she was backing out now. If he refused to talk to her then she would leave but she had to try first.

She held her breath as she knocked loudly on the wooden door. The only sound she could hear was the frantic pounding of her heart pulsing in her ears. As the seconds dragged by her heart started to sink. There was no sound coming from inside the house. No lights were on from what she could tell. No. He had to be home, he just had to be.

Knocking again she could feel the pressure of tears behind her eyes. If he didn't answer this time she was leaving. She knew she wouldn't get the courage to do this again. It was taking all her will power just to stand here waiting. After a moment her shoulders slumped in defeat as she turned away from the door.

### 

### Here with you, near with you

_Oh I,_

### I need to be next to you

She clapped a hand over her mouth as a loud sob escaped her lips. Glancing back at the house she flinched from the unbearably painful longing that filled her. Blindly she began to run needing to put as much distance between herself and the face of everything she gave up.

With each jarring footstep her sobs only grew more forceful. Trying to escape the pain she forced the images of Duo out of her mind. But as quickly as one thought left a new one took its place. Visions of his smile, his eyes, watching him sleep, his laugh, and his voice saying I love you. Unable to stop them she gave up as she collapsed to her knees. Hanging her head, in the middle of the sidewalk, she vented the frustration and regret that was destroying her inside out. 

### I need to have your heart next to mine

### For all times

_Hold you for all my life_

## I need to be next to you

After composing herself enough she started the long walk back to her apartment. She was so lost in her confused jumble of emotions and thoughts she barely noticed as she left the neighborhoods behind and entered the heart of L2. Not in a hurry to get to the confined and lonely atmosphere of her little place she walked slowly looking of any form of distraction. She tried to ignore the occasional couples she passed but it was useless. Seeing the content people holding hands made her want to scream in frustration. Did fate have to rub it in? 

She fucked up royally. She made the biggest mistake of her life and now she was suffering for it. Everywhere she looked something only served to bring up her decision. Gritting her teeth she tried to keep her concentration on the ground before her. Slowly the sound of music filled her ears and her head snapped up. She was right outside a little hole-in-the-wall bar. The soft mellow sound of a depressing jukebox music called out to the loneliness inside of her. She really didn't want to go home yet. She had nothing there to go to. Right now she didn't think she could stand the still silence and the four barren walls. Not really having a choice she entered the bar.

The dark hazy smoke filled air instantly made her feel some sort of artificial comfort. Wanting to be left alone she made her way to shadowed booth way in the corner. The place was low-key but there was a crowd being it was Saturday night. The thought made her grimace. With Duo Saturday nights had never been boring or lonely. This whole place reminded her of him. There was just something about the laid back atmosphere that screamed Duo.

Closing her eyes she sighed. When was it gonna stop? She couldn't keep doing this to herself. Duo wouldn't take her back and she had to accept that. What if he had been home? Would seeing him have done more harm than good? He was trying to get on with his life, he didn't need her coming back in and screwing things over for him. If she really loved him she wouldn't make this worse for him. She would just have to let go.

### I need to be next to you

_Need to be, Need to be next to you_

_Share every breath with you_

_I need to feel you in my arms babe_

_In my arms babe_

### I need to be next to you

Just for one moment she wished with all her heart she could hold him once more. Just to feel his arms surround her and be able to touch him. To breathe in the sent of his cologne clinging to his skin and feel his pulse when she pressed her lips to his throat. To feel his body against hers and know that it was real and not some dream of her imagination. Just to have the chance once more. _I'm so, so sorry, I love you._

But this time no tears filled her eyes. She couldn't cry anymore tonight. She'd cried a river and it done a damn bit of good. She had to stop thinking for a little while. Her mind was her worst enemy at the moment. She would cry more tomorrow and go through he same emotions all over again and in the end it would all be for nothing. Sometimes you can't change the past. 

A bitter smile twisted her lips as her wandering gaze landed on a couple sitting at the bar. The public display of affection they in the midst of was weirdly endearing. She couldn't help but wonder how sober the couple was. From the way it looked not much.

Turning away her eyes traveled the length of the bar. A lone figure sat about three seats away from the couple. He was hunched over his drink seemingly oblivious to the music and people surrounding him. He seemed to be in the same mood she was in. Every now and then she would she his head turn to the side and he would glance at the couple a few chairs away. Sitting directly behind him she couldn't see his face but there was still something startlingly familiar about him. Just as the though crossed her mind he turned in his seat slightly and she got a glimpse of his profile.

It was only a glimpse but it was enough, more than enough. Her heart slammed into her ribs and the air rushed out of her lungs. The pounding of her heart throbbed in her ears as she continued to stare shocked. This time tears did fill her eyes and she didn't bother to stop them as they coursed down her colorless cheeks. Of all the places to find him, oh God……..

_Duo…….._

_ _

A.N- Sorry to leave you hanging like that but the next part will be out shortly, I promise. Now, I just have to find the right song. I have a couple in mind so I'll start working on it soon. I hope you liked it and please be patient and I will give you a happy sappy ending just the way you guys like it. Love ya guys!!!!!!!*_* __


	3. Default Chapter Title

DISCLAIMER:I don't own gundam wing or any of its characters.I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*

# Hanging By A Moment

**BY:**Lara_Winner

**SONG BY:**Lifehouse

_Desperate for changing_

## Starving for truth

## 

Hilde couldn't help but stare at the object of her thoughts. He was so close but she couldn't move. She wanted to go to him so badly but something held her back. Fear gripped her and held her like a vice. Her courage deserting her she pressed herself against the wall behind her. She continued to sit sideways just to watch him. 

He looked so…….lost. Oh God, how could she do that to him? This was all her fault. Everything that happened, all the pain, it was all her fault. More tears spilled down her cheeks unnoticed. He had every right to hate her. He hadn't deserved that from her. She should have tried harder or done something more to reach him. She should never have left. That one stupid action ruined everything. 

She paid no attention to time as she sat in silence with her emotions raging. She noticed the bartender occasionally glance her way but she paid him no mind. Her eyes were set on Duo. What could she say to him? If she walked over there right now what could she say? She was at a loss. There was so much she needed to explain and so much she wanted to say that she didn't know where to begin. But that all depended on if he wished to hear the truth. He might not accept any explanation she could give. He might not even want to see her. 

Surrendering to the fear she slid out of the booth. He was too close, she had to get out of here. To know he was right there was killing her. Biting her lip she choked back even more tears as she rushed out the door and into the cold night.

_I'm closer to where I started_

## I'm chasing after you

"Boy, you need to wake up. Some chick was just checking you out. She just waked out, if you hurry you can catch her." 

Duo snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of Nick's cheerful voice. What was he talking about? Some chick? He laughed sadly at the complete lack of desire to pursue the suggestion.

"Thanks but no thanks. Women are bad for your health." Duo said grinning.

"I'm tellin' ya, she was staring holes in your back. Your stupid to pass her up.Shit man, if I wasn't married I'd have tried to get her attention. She was fine. You know the type, black hair and petite, cute face. Believe me, she was looking right at you for the last half an hour."

Duo stiffened at the description. He ignored the way his heart lurched in his chest. It couldn't be HER, it couldn't. A strange light entered his eyes making Nick smile.

"Did she have short hair and blue eyes?" He asked trying not to sound to anxious.

"Yeah, she had short hair but I don't know about the ey…."

That was all Duo heard as he slid off the stool and rushed out the door. He winced at the blast of cold air that hit him right in the face. His heart pounding frantically, he looked up and down both sides of the street. At first he didn't see anyone but then his eyes caught sight of a small figure walking in the shadowsdown the dimly lit street. Without thought he began to run trying to catch up with the figure.

The closer he got the more his heart started to pound in excitement. It was HER, he just knew it. He would know her anywhere, especially after picturing every inch of her body in his mind for the past weeks. He quickened his pace trying to reach her before he lost the courage.

"Hilde!" He called, holding his breath as he waited her next move.

_I'm falling even more in love with you_

_Letting go of all I've held on to_

_I'm standing here until you make me move_

## I'm hanging by a moment here with you

Hilde froze at the sound of his voice. She could hear his footsteps now and she tensed the closer they came. How did he know she was here? She had left before she did anything stupid. She didn't think he noticed her but she was obviously mistaken. Bracing herself she turned to face his approaching form.

He stopped before her out of breath, his harsh breathing making little clouds of mist in the freezing air. Her heart jumped at the sight of his face in the dim lighting. His flushed cheeks and red nose made her smile inwardly. She could feel the love swell up inside her almost overwhelming her. 

"Hilde…." He whispered.

She heard the slight tremor in his voice. She didn't miss the way his eyes glowed but the light was anything but anger. She forced herself to relax as a sad smile crossed her lips.

"Hi Duo." She said softly.

_Forgetting all I'm lacking_

## Completely incomplete

He felt like he was in a dream, the sound of her voice breaking through the building excitement raging through him. She was right in front of him and he couldn't let her get away again. This was his only chance to set things right. It was so obvious now. He was nothing without her and to be away from her was killing him. Nothing in the world could take her place. His thoughts were of nothing but her. God had blessed him by giving him this angel in the first place and now for the life of him he had to get her back.

"I think we need to talk." He whispered hoarsely.

"Do we?" she replied lowering her eyes. Her voice conveyed the uncertainty she tried to hide from him.

"Please, just give me a chance to explain some things to you." He pleaded.

"I….What will it change?" She choked as fresh tears flooded her eyes.

"Maybe everything." He said softly as he gently brushed away the single tear that trickled down her cheek.

### 

### I'll take your invitation

_You take all of me_

As her eyes slid closed her entire being was focused on the light touch of his fingers. She fought the urge to fling herself into his arms. Why was she trying to push him away? He wanted to explain and yet it was almost as if she didn't want to hear his reasons. Deep inside she felt the fear starting to flutter around her heart. She had left because she couldn't take the constant isolation. When he was ready to let her close he was there but when he didn't want her near he was gone. As much as she loved him that kind of existence would eventually break her. Hell, look at what it was still doing to her.

"Why don't you trust me?" she asked, her eyes snapping open startled as she realized she said the question out loud. Praying she didn't make him angry she waited tensely for his reply.

"It's not easy Hilde. I trust you, with all my heart, but it's not easy when you're terrified of yourself." He replied. 

The painful confusion in his eyes made her heart lurch. What could she say to that? Maybe he didn't need her to say anything. Maybe he just needed her to listen. Pushing the fear away she reached out taking his hand and squeezed gently encouraging him to continue.

"I'm scared. I take a look at everything around me and it's like I'm not really a part of it. For so long I haven't let anything come close me. Its easier to distance myself from everything." He whispered.

His words hurt. Did that mean everything they had meant nothing? Or did he not realize just how much she gave to him? He might feel he needed the distance but it was destroying her, couldn't he see that? Hoping her voice sounded somewhat normal she asked the only important question out of the thousands whirling in her head.

"Why are you scared of me?" At her words he turned his gaze across the dark street his brow creasing in quiet reflection. His grip on her had tightened as pulled her slightly closer.

"You make me…I….I can't fight you. You mean so much to me. Hilde, you don't really know me. I've done things and I felt things that would…would…If you knew you'd hate more than you already do." He answered refusing to meet her eyes.

"Then you don't know me either if you really think I could ever hate you." She said her heart twisting even more as she realized just how many assumptions they let come between them. 

### Now I'm falling even more in love with you

### Letting go of all I've held on to

### I'm standing here until you make me move

### I'm hanging by moment here with you

Duo felt the hope start rise and tried to ignore it but her words rang clear in his mind. And he wondered why he loved her? But she couldn't understand what he was trying to say.She might want to but she couldn't. He didn't even fully understand it himself. It's so hard to keep up appearances that everything is fine when its not. Even if he thought she had a hope in hell of redeeming him nothing could save him from this pain. All he could do was spare her the brunt of the anger he bottled up inside. But even trying wasn't good enough. After all, maybe she was smart to leave.

"I've hurt you, God I'm sorry for everything, I really am." He sighed as an ironic smile twisted his lips. He laughed bitterly, "We don't know each other do we?"

"I know you enough to know that you're making things more difficult than they have to be." She replied. His eyes shot to hers and he almost flinched from the searching look she was giving him. 

"Do you have to be so damn understanding?" He asked harshly.

"Don't you get it Duo? Shutting me out is not going to make your problems go away. Just tell me what is going on with you, please!" She begged. 

The underlying desperation in her voice hit him hard. She deserved some sort of explanation. He knew he was confusing her. Still it was so hard to put his emotions into words, his fears and doubts and the guilt that consumed him inside out. But for her sake he had to try.

### I'm living for the only thing I know

### I'm running and I don't know where to go

### And I don't know what I'm diving into

### Just hanging by a moment here with you

"Hilde, your soul is free. It's that simple. I don't know how you manage to keep an open mind about life but you do. When you smile you mean it and I guess that amazes me. I'm the master at hiding what I feel. I lost my soul a long time ago. I sold it to make sure that no one else would suffer, that no one else would have to lose everything. I wasn't supposed to survive the war, damn it! Do you even realize the odds the five of us were against? All those people I killed and it never once occurred to me that I was causing the same pain I wanted to spare to more innocent people. How many children lost mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters at the hands of Deathsythe?" 

Hilde's breath caught in her throat at his tormented words. Though his face was turned away she could see his eyes squeezed shut tight. She was about to deny his words when his soft voice continued softly.

"I thought I could handle it. I thought if I tried to live maybe I could forget what I did, but I can't. It's always there in the back of my mind. Everyday I wake up and I know I don't deserve to be alive. I can't even look at myself in a mirror without seeing the monster I've become. And the worst part is that I put you right in the middle. I never gave it a second thought, I just expected you to put up with me. I never once thought about how you felt. I never thought I'd lose you. What can I say, I'm a selfish bastard." He hissed. 

Her first impulse was to tell him he wasn't but she held back. He wouldn't believe her and right now he needed more than just consoling words. Gently pulling on his wrist she turned him to face her. He continued to stare at his feet with his jaw clenched. Taking a deep breath she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his waist. Expecting him to push her away her eyes widened as she felt him pull her closer. Burying her face in the fold of his warm jacket she ignored the freezing air and focused on the feel of his arms holding her in return.

"I didn't fall in love with a monster. I fell in love with you." She mumbled against his chest blinking back the hot tears that welled in her eyes. 

### There's nothing else to lose

### There's nothing else to find

### There's nothing in the world

### That could change my mind

### 

### 

### 

### "But you don't love me anymore, remember." He said the words hating the way his voice cracked. When she stiffened against him he cursed silently. 

### "I never said I didn't love you." She replied. He tried to fight the hope that surged through him at what she left unsaid.

### "Actions speak louder than words." He said softly pulling away slightly.

### "I was wrong. We were both wrong. Maybe I didn't give you a chance but you never gave me one either." She accused.

Meeting her eyes he wasn't prepared for the tears spilling down her cheeks. He knew she was right. They had made a grand mess of things but the fact that she was here now had to mean something. There would never be enough words to express just how sorry he was. He could never do enough to prove just how much he loved her. But if she was willing maybe he could try. And if he was willing maybe could let her try and help him.

"I need you. I can't go on like this, it's killing me. I'll never be forgiven for the past and I don't expect to be. I deserve this hell." Swallowing against the lump that rose in his throat he pulled her tighter against him. Searching her soft blue eyes he could clearly see her denial at his words. "But baby, if you hate me then I have nothing. I need you to forgive me."

He winced inwardly at how mushy he sounded. Unable to meet her eyes he looked down praying she didn't realize just how nervous he was. Her response meant everything.His entire world hung in the balance of her decision. _Please_….._Hilde_…...

### "I love you and I've already forgiven you. God forgives you for your past. I think the only person you need forgiveness from is yourself. How can you say you love me if you're not capable loving yourself first?" she asked softly.

## Desperate for changing

_Starving for truth_

Hilde stared into his wide violet eyes knowing her words hit home. He needed to realize he was putting himself through hell for nothing. The war was over. They had all done their share of things to be guilty for but war is not merciful. He did what he had to do and he had survived to enjoy the peace he sold his innocence for. If only he would just let it go, let it go and live for today, not yesterday. 

"You're not the monster you make yourself out to be. Believe me, if you didn't have a soul you wouldn't regret the things you've done. Duo, you don't have to do this to yourself. The others have found peace and they fought in that stupid war too. Why do you always take sole responsibility for everything, even the things beyond your control?" She asked the question not for an answer but to prove her point that he needed to open his eyes. 

"I had the choice. I became the God of Death fully aware of the consequences. I can't ignore what I've done," pulling away completely held out his hands between them, "Don't you see the blood on them? How can you stand for me to be near you? You know what I am. You've seen what I'm capable of." He whispered. Anger surged through her at his words.

"Do you think you're the only person with regrets? Just how do you think I got aboard the Libra? How do you think I got that uniform? I didn't leave any witnesses. But it was that or let the world get blown to smithereens. I pray every night for their souls. I beg their forgiveness over and over. I've begged God to forgive me too. But in my heart I also know that I had to what I had to do. They would have killed me. It doesn't justify things but I didn't have a choice. Nobody had a choice Duo. If we did that war would never have started in the first place." She snapped.

Grabbing his hands she gripped them tightly. Staring into his wide eyes she willed him to see the truth in her words. He had to let go. If he didn't it would kill him. She had learned that through her own soul searching. True, he had experienced horrors she could never imagine but he had to find his own peace. No matter how much she wanted to she couldn't do it for him. He needed to find his own reason to carry on. He had to do it, not for her but for himself.

"Please trust me on this. You can let it go. I'm not saying forget but you can live." She said firmly refusing to release his gaze. She could see the inner battle raging in his eyes. He wanted to believe but….

"I want to live but I don't know how. I don't think I can." He answered softly.

"You can and you will. Just let me help you please." She pleaded,

_I'm closer to where I started_

_I'm chasing after you_

He couldn't say no. He wanted to. He wanted to spare her but the selfish need to be with her was too strong. He needed her strength and her determination and her love. He needed it so much he had no will to resist the hope that settled in his heart. He was so scared to believe that it could work. Could she really teach him how to live? Could she really show him how to let it all go? He had to let her try. But if it didn't work then what? He didn't know. The worst would be that she would leave again. He had to risk it. He needed her too much. 

"I'm scared." He whispered. Her eyes softened and a small smile curved her lips. 

"There's nothing to fear but fear itself." She countered challenging him to object.

"Yeah but is it really that easy?" He asked smirking at the determined expression crossing her face.

"We'll make it easy." She replied smiling in reassurance. 

## 

## I'm falling even more in love with you

_Letting go of all I've held on to_

_I'm standing here until you make me move_

## Just hanging by a moment here with you

Hilde smiled even wider as Duo pulled her against him. The crushing embrace sent her heart pounding and her legs turned to jelly. Wrapping her arms around his neck she held on to him tightly as her eyes slid closed in pure pleasure. He buried his face against her neck placing tiny kisses wherever his lips would reach. Sighing in contentment she fought the fresh tears the filled her closed eyes. Even tears of happiness were unwelcome. This moment was too perfect.

"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you, I swear." He breathed between kisses.

"I know."

Pulling back he looked her right in the eye and her breath caught in her throat. His violet eyes glistened with what looked suspiciously like tears. In all the years she had known him she had never seen so much emotion openly displayed in his features. For the first time she was seeing beyond his ever-present mask and the realization warmed her heart. She could feel herself falling for him all over again.

"I love you, I trust you and if I have to I'll prove it." He said the words with such an intensity she knew without a doubt he meant them.

"I don't need proof, I just need you." She grinned.

Not giving him a chance to answer she leaned up and pressed her lips to his in a sweet but firm kiss. 

## Just hanging by a moment

## Hanging by a moment here with you

## 

## 

## 

## Reluctantly she pulled back dragging much need air into her lungs. She shivered as the cold air made its presence felt seeping through the thick material of her sweatshirt. His arms tightened around her as he chuckled softly.

## "Lets go home." He smiled. As he spoke she literally felt the tension drain from his body.

## "Yeah, lets go home." She laughed. 

## Feeling like a burden had been lifted off her shoulders she smiled her eyes glowing with all the love bursting inside her. Everything was going to be fine. She was back where she needed to be and home had never sounded so good.

A.N.- Okay here it is, the sappy and mushy conclusion to my little songfic trilogy. I know it took forever, I'm sorry. I don't like the way this one turned out. I dunno, I just wanted to write something really cheesy and sweet. After all, when it comes to love you never can get too sappy. Thanks for patiently waiting and as always, luv ya guys!!!!*_*


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